红摘心 我也是外行，斗胆谈一谈
【优点】
1.语法不错。
2.要点齐全。
【缺点】
1.字迹不敢恭维。
2.人称混乱。
3.措辞比较呆板。
【建议】
1.语法还要再严谨一些。比如主谓一致：“it was really sweet”——指代前文的fruits，应改为they；又比如时态问题：“…and then go fishing”——go与前文took并列，应改为went。
2.人称应尽量统一。怎么we来到农庄，结果后面都是I，时不时又蹦出个we呢
。就本篇而言，可以全篇用we。
3.可以尝试更多结构。
比如把动词换成名词：we drove there→we went there by car.
比如把…but…换成worth：It was an exhausting trip but it's worth it.
4.语义的递进应有实际意义。
比如…took out and took many photos就显得冗余，因为拿相机必然是为了照相，照相的前提必然是拿出相机；不妨改成：Surrounded by animals and flowers，we took many photos to remember this pleasant moment. 为什么照相？是为了铭记这一美好时刻——这才是有效递进。
【优点】
1.语法不错。
2.要点齐全。
【缺点】
1.字迹不敢恭维。
2.人称混乱。
3.措辞比较呆板。
【建议】
1.语法还要再严谨一些。比如主谓一致：“it was really sweet”——指代前文的fruits，应改为they；又比如时态问题：“…and then go fishing”——go与前文took并列，应改为went。
2.人称应尽量统一。怎么we来到农庄，结果后面都是I，时不时又蹦出个we呢
。就本篇而言，可以全篇用we。3.可以尝试更多结构。
比如把动词换成名词：we drove there→we went there by car.
比如把…but…换成worth：It was an exhausting trip but it's worth it.
4.语义的递进应有实际意义。
比如…took out and took many photos就显得冗余，因为拿相机必然是为了照相，照相的前提必然是拿出相机；不妨改成：Surrounded by animals and flowers，we took many photos to remember this pleasant moment. 为什么照相？是为了铭记这一美好时刻——这才是有效递进。
